We’ve all been there—sitting at our desks, deep in thought, when an email or comment pulls us out of focus and delivers a piece of feedback we weren’t expecting. Negative feedback can sting. It can make us question our work, our approach, and sometimes even our worth. But over the years, I’ve learned that while I can’t control the feedback I receive, I can control how I respond to it.

I recently came across the 90/10 principle, which suggests that 10% of life is what happens to us, and 90% is how we react to it. It was an eye-opener for me because I’ve often been caught off guard by things that weren’t planned or by how people around me acted. I tend to react in the moment, sometimes not in the most productive way. But now, this principle has given me a framework to handle things differently, especially at work.

Digesting First, Reacting Later

The first thing I do when I receive negative feedback is pause. I used to be the kind of person who would jump right into a response—whether through an email or in my head, trying to justify my actions. But over time, I realized that this knee-jerk reaction didn’t serve me well. So now, I take a step back to digest the situation.

I focus on understanding where the other person is coming from. What’s the root cause of the issue they’re pointing out? Are they just frustrated in the moment, or is there something deeper that needs addressing? I don’t want to respond without fully grasping the context because a misstep could escalate things unnecessarily.

Checking Emotions at the Door

Feedback, especially negative feedback, can trigger a lot of emotions—frustration, embarrassment, defensiveness. I’ve learned that it’s important to check those emotions before responding. I make it a point to stop what I’m doing, especially when I find myself about to fire off an email in response. Emails can come across in ways we don’t always intend, and once they’re sent, there’s no taking them back.

Instead of typing out a reaction, I’ve found it much more effective to ask for a meeting or a short call. Speaking to the person directly helps avoid misunderstandings that written communication can cause. It also allows for a more human connection—tone of voice and body language can say so much more than words on a screen.

Applying the 90/10 Principle

Now, I apply the 90/10 principle in these moments. I focus on the 90%—my reaction. Sure, the feedback itself (the 10%) might not always feel good, but I can choose to approach it from a place of growth rather than frustration. I ask myself: “What can I learn from this? How can this help me improve?” By shifting my mindset, I’ve turned what used to be stressful encounters into opportunities to grow, both personally and professionally.

Final Thoughts

Receiving negative feedback is never easy, but with the right mindset and approach, it doesn’t have to be painful either. Pausing to digest the situation, checking my emotions, and opting for a conversation rather than an email have helped me tremendously. I’ve learned that feedback isn’t something to fear—it’s something to learn from. The 90/10 principle reminds me that while I can’t control what happens, I can absolutely control how I handle it.